My Brokeness

While surfing on facebook I came across a picture of my resent ex-girlfriend. Eminently my heart sank and I felt an over whelming sadness swelling within in my chest. My breath taken away from me, I thought about everything i did wrong. All the pain I gave her, things i said. The words, I said, struck her down as if it was my own fist. She tried to tell me how it made her feel, but she was scared. Suddenly, my eyes glazed over with tears, like looking through a gentle water fall. I did not want this, but i knew i was to blame. Even though I wanted to do the right, I didn’t make the right choice. My emotions where messed up, but I should’ve control myself. I did not love the way she deserved. The way a real man would love a woman. How could I, for I’m just a boy. A boy, who dreams of being a man, keeps making the wrong choices. It is like have chains on my body. I can carry it for so long I grow week. With this weakness comes pain to the ones I love. This weakness has been called many things, but the truth is something far greater than words can truly describe. Sin is the name. An infection, cased from disobeying the one who made us. An infection that’s natural but not originally met for are bodies. It came when we casted out a loving, caring God from the thrown of are hearts. Instead we placed are own ambitions and desires. Week i fall down and in agony i scream " what can I do, why does my body work against me. Where does my help come from". All I can think about is the mistakes I made and fully knowing I’ll make again. Why can't I change and why would God let me live, all i will do is destroy others for my undisciplined soul. If he wants me to live, why has he not changed my heart? Feeling defeated I lay on the floor sobbing, wandering why am i here. As my chest, becomes a deep dense pain. I open my eyes to find emptiness in my room, all alone. Then thoughts came to my mind, filling it with more depressing thought. One thought said "why not just die, if God will not take you, take yourself". I thought, if i did that I would burn for all eternity. It is the price of sin, witch I am guilty of. I deserve such punishment. The pain I cased people .They deserve justice. I deserve death. With a knife in my hand I gave them justice. With a knife my hand a mother lost her son. And a family that was meant to show Gods forgiveness and love, will never existed.

“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Luke 6:37