Missed Chance

     One day, after school, i was talking to some of my friends. standing around and having fun, until my friends puled me aside to talk. she asked me if there was a chance me that i liked her. i had to think a sec because i liked a girl and did not want to lose the chance. i looked at her and said no. she was the only person to this day that never found out i liked her. to tell the truth i adore her.

My Brokeness

While surfing on facebook I came across a picture of my resent ex-girlfriend. Eminently my heart sank and I felt an over whelming sadness swelling within in my chest. My breath taken away from me, I thought about everything i did wrong. All the pain I gave her, things i said. The words, I said, struck her down as if it was my own fist. She tried to tell me how it made her feel, but she was scared. Suddenly, my eyes glazed over with tears, like looking through a gentle water fall. I did not want this, but i knew i was to blame. Even though I wanted to do the right, I didn’t make the right choice. My emotions where messed up, but I should’ve control myself. I did not love the way she deserved. The way a real man would love a woman. How could I, for I’m just a boy. A boy, who dreams of being a man, keeps making the wrong choices. It is like have chains on my body. I can carry it for so long I grow week. With this weakness comes pain to the ones I love. This weakness has been called many things, but the truth is something far greater than words can truly describe. Sin is the name. An infection, cased from disobeying the one who made us. An infection that’s natural but not originally met for are bodies. It came when we casted out a loving, caring God from the thrown of are hearts. Instead we placed are own ambitions and desires. Week i fall down and in agony i scream " what can I do, why does my body work against me. Where does my help come from". All I can think about is the mistakes I made and fully knowing I’ll make again. Why can't I change and why would God let me live, all i will do is destroy others for my undisciplined soul. If he wants me to live, why has he not changed my heart? Feeling defeated I lay on the floor sobbing, wandering why am i here. As my chest, becomes a deep dense pain. I open my eyes to find emptiness in my room, all alone. Then thoughts came to my mind, filling it with more depressing thought. One thought said "why not just die, if God will not take you, take yourself". I thought, if i did that I would burn for all eternity. It is the price of sin, witch I am guilty of. I deserve such punishment. The pain I cased people .They deserve justice. I deserve death. With a knife in my hand I gave them justice. With a knife my hand a mother lost her son. And a family that was meant to show Gods forgiveness and love, will never existed.

“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Luke 6:37

It can hurt

Even thought I'm shy at first about meeting new people, it is something enjoyable . Every new relationship is like a new step in life. you can never know where someone can take you and what you can learn. Learning about people is not only enjoyable, but we can learn a bit about are self's. If we meet someone like our self, we get to see what everyone else sees, maybe even find changes that need to be made. Having friends around can keep us in check too. If it was not for friends in my life and people that care about me, I could not be where I am today. That being said, I've never been a good communication at online dating websites. Typing a message back and forth seems really dull. I can't get to know them in this type of setting. Yes, I understand that there is a lot of creepers online, but i just want to  meet someone. I guess me not being a patient person can contribute to this hatred toward messaging form of interaction. The solution would be to just go out and meet people, but sometimes in life that's easier said than done. Why not go to a bar and meet people? My family has enough brokenness, I'm not going to add more. It's the "thing to do now", so I should get use to it. Well, so I started a Zoosk account and to meet anyone you really have to pay, with money. Thinking to my self, when did meeting people cast money. A little sadden about this, I began trying to trick "The Man" by putting my number somewhere on my page, so when people see my page they could get a hold of me. This seemed brilliant and I rejoice at my trickery. Then "The Man"demolished my accomplishment like a bully on a playground. With remorse and no ideas left i fell in to "The Man's" wallet. It was ok, because now I could chat, flirt, and mingle with so many single. Cute girls From places I never even heard from. I was finding out why people like the online dating fab. My happiness was shot lived because on further investigation I was only one who paid for it. Taking time to think about my foolish error, I came to a conclusion. If I send my number in a message they will get it, because they can read the first so many letters of the message. So, in my mined, I took one for the team. Now people can meet me and text. It went great for the next couple of days, until this message: Like hell your ugly why would I you freak n creeper.

 Even words on a screen can strike the heart, wounds the soul, and bring the rain
Why should I hurt from naive finger on keys, not ever knowing, not ever caring
Even retaliation would allow the word to consume me, and bring me pain
Why not let go and be free, fly in to the sunshine and stop the rain

 

hidden feelings

Listening to a song my friends wrought gave me inspiration to wright one. knowing that it would be difficult i sat down and thought about things to sing about. Being through some tough times in my life, not the worst but still tough, encouraged me to pursuing such a task. So trying to remember what happened was not hard, but i could not feel the emotion. Dispirit the fact, i started to compose. It took some time for the fist verse, but the excitement of getting that one verse dun was intoxicating, even though  feeling some doubt. existed about my first verse, i looked for someone to enjoy my happiness. snagging the first victim i found, my Mom was relentless to hear what her son has dun. As she put on the head phones the look on her face was not too existing as i had hopped. A little downcast-ed by this, i did see her point. It was like trying to program a computer for emotions, it would look ok, but there was no depth. Saddened by this experiences, my song writing days where put on hold, till i could find my inspiration.

With dull emotionas how can i sing
With emptyness how can i fill my dreams
At least with sadness i could do somethings
At least with brokenness i could rip from the seams